Work has been on my mind and writing has taken a back seat
I have been too busy to do anything, including write on my blog. I have not been even keeping to my usual schedule and so still haven’t faced my fears of polishing my draft for a friend to read and help me. Even though I know her door is still open, it’s starting to feel too long since she offered. Life is getting in the way.
I always find January hard. I am effected by the short days and feel sluggish in the post-holiday slump. The wind dug sharp against my cheek as I walked home from work yesterday and I realised how happy I was to be outside. I suppose I am getting my annual blues because I haven’t been out enough although I forced myself out to see a movie, go to the gym – the dark has left me weary from the early evening onwards.
But I also noticed something else: I was thinking about work. Instead of leaving it at the door, and letting my mind wander to the work-in-progress, I was worrying about changes that were happening. Equally work worries keep showing up in my Morning Pages too (you can read more about why I use this method here). Everyone has to deal with work changes, in fact I once worked in a “Transformation Team” which was really a euphemism for saving money. You don’t have to be at work for long before you realise two things: the only constant is change and it’s always about saving money.
I accept that the changes will happen and I have a choice to be happy with them or move on. I also accept that I can see my place in the team is not being devalued but re-evaluated. All of this does not help with the frustration. Because, although I want to work there, I also really want a day job.
Did you ever just want a day job?
For years, I worked as a temp in offices and often I would find it amusing to see the politics of the place. I thought for a while I might write about my experiences and I am sure that there will be parts that pop up in my writing. I felt like I was a little detached from it all. But, before I knew it I would start to care about the comings and goings and have opinions on staff who sat around doing nothing all day just like everyone else.
You see, I just can’t do it. When I was at my last job I wanted to get involved in the charitable activities, here there are projects that are sort of my role sort of not. I fear I may just be a busy body. When I was at school, I even got a prize for being a “doer”. I think that probably tops most academic prizes I failed to win because it speaks more of my personality. And apparently I haven’t changed much all these years later. I’ll interfere wherever there seems to be something vaguely to do with me.
I think sometimes I would like to switch my brain off a bit. But I do want a job that has challenge or keeps me busy, but that I can walk away from. That uses some brainpower, but not too much. Fussy I know. It’s a constant balance I am trying to find and I need to find a way to get my headspace back for my creative writing.
In the meantime, I am trying to find times of the day when I unplug from the stresses of my job or my son’s education. It’s a work-in-progress too but one I hope I can work more on in February.