Having seen it’s two months since I last wrote, I thought I owed an explanation for how little I am doing right now. An honest reflection would be nothing or nothing much. Though of course, life ticks on; emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom and relistening to my favourite audiobooks. I have hardly done anything that makes me “me”. With our accidental homeschool and a resurgence of my fatigue condition, perhaps it is understandable that it has been a quiet patch. But as always happens it gets to the point that I start to want more.
Don’t you find Spring has a renewing energy? After we winter through the dark hours, we emerge. For me, this has meant mainly taking photos of blossom on walks and getting obsessed with having bunches of daffodils. The “jocund company” of Wordsworth’s famed poem “As I wandered…” is not just his joy on coming on ten thousand bright stars of flowers but how that image comes to him again in his solitude. Our appreciation of what is beautiful, is in the way it uplifts us. So yes, though quiet, I can take solace in appreciation of flowers and blossom that blooms.
So, back to short walks outside. My journal for morning pages sits by me on the shelf, and I gain a little courage to unfold from my hibernation. I suppose after all these new years writing about my writing life, I can see creativity comes in these fits and bursts. Life is non-linear. I was revisiting Essentialism and wondering again if any of these folks with self-help books have children to take care of. But still, a small, quiet hello to those who follow my process and a hopeful heart that I can find some more words.
To truly value the hard times, we have to approach life as if there are lessons to learn
In a recent group post my fatigue coach, Pamela Rose asked us to take the Tony Robbins quiz on our “driving force” – linked here if you are interested. I am a little sceptical of Robbins style and some of his philosophies around health. But I will say at surface value he got me right. My drive is for growth, always learning and looking to grow and get better. The idea of considering is these driving forces is to ensure that we are approaching our lives with them still in mind, even if fatigue is putting up barriers.
I think that there is often barriers in my life. As I recently wrote there are ways to overcome these: no more tears and of course I do apply all of these methods to try and live creatively. But I also think the situations themselves can teach us things in life.
Time for some quiet rest
Right now life is telling me I have to concentrate on my family. My son’s not coping at school so his needs are much higher. It is also reminding me that life has easier and harder times. Sometimes the hard seems to drag on. However just as to live with a chronic health condition you have to come to a place of acceptance, in these tougher times you need to accept they are just that.
I may be around less or doing less creative work for a while as I get through this difficult time. But I am committing to my 50 day challenge so I take the best care of myself. I am committing to creative moments and artist dates still to feed thia need. I am still committing to trying to read as a good book is a happy place even in dark times.
I will update the blog next month with how it is all going with hopes that soon I will be able to write again. In the meantime, write right now if you can.
When times are tough it is the simple things that get you through
Slim notebooks, green pen, making a coffee in a favourite cup, all these things help me write. It is often the simplest things that make me happy. I knew this week would be a tough: some appointments, some work commitments and the world news have all reduced my energy levels but this is when I dig deep to find something I can do.
If you have followed me for a while, you know I use the morning pages system from The Artist’s Way– three pages of unedited thoughts dumped out each morning. In this flow this week, I came up with an idea to work on. But what to do with so little time? Writing a few notes on my phone or folding the corner down on my journal sometimes works. But instead this week, I tidied up and tucked myself into the corner of the kitchen table.
Across from me is my Artist Altar, more a decorative feature where I change over the quotes seasonally. I found this vase on one of my charity shop hunt Artist Dates . Having a pretty place to write pleases me, as do the family photos just beside me on the wall. There is something about taking these positive steps to give myself a little space that helps me work. I set a timer and write a few paragraphs, not sure yet how the scene will play out. And if I am honest, I don’t get that far.
But having this time and a little energy is such a privilege. My son was off school ill the rest of the week, though not too unwell thankfully. So though it is not progressing the scene very well, I take the chance to do something restful with him. We both need a gentle week. I get out the thick socks and we have time under blankets on the sofa. I listen to audiobooks and tackle a jigsaw puzzle. It might not be the productive week I had hope for with my writing but I am feeling appreciative of the things that make me happy right now.
The best thing to do when you are having a difficult time is to surround yourself with your favourite things. (And yes that song is now going through my head too!) Hopefully with some more time to mull over my ideas, I can get back to the page very soon. Afterall my most favourite thing of all is sitting down writing.
It is certainly a big year in my life to reflect upon and find a way forward from this week on
With an unnerving sense of head-shaking disbelief, I am about to meet two anniversaries this week. They feel both momentous and give me a short burst of existential depression. I have experienced these waves of insignificance since I was a child, and it took me until a few years back to find out what it is called. The New Year and birthdays are particularly bad for me : feeling a true sense of time and my existence and my irrelevance in the universe. The coming week I am commemorating two anniversaries and I can’t help feel a little strange about it.
My blog is three years old, it has been growing slowly and steadily and I have plan to make it more of a place to talk about writing, as I had originally intended, as 2022 continues. But as I reflect on what I have achieved, I also reflect on how much of my life has been swallowed up by the pandemic years, it has become both my blogging topic and also invaded my home and time in ways we could never have known when I first wrote about my anxieties in March 2020.
This leads me to the other anniversary that I have to mark in this coming week. It is a year since I caught covid. At times, I still can’t fathom that I have not yet got over the infection. I have been recently taking an online course Pamela Rose’ Fatigue Rescue and one important part of a journey to recovery is to understand and accept your condition. The main thing that I have been doing (in addition to seeing doctors, attending therapy and a variety of wellness helpers) has been that I have believed myself. I do have a fatigue condition. I will get better. It will take time.
And it’s the time that feels so unbelievable to look back on, this anniversary will probably not be one that I have to look back on again (it might be, but this time next year…) But despite doing a lot of work around mindset and taking this condition seriously, I have some sadness to be marking a year this week. I am seeing it as an opportunity to change my life and prioritise what is important. But in doing so, I have to acknowledge that there is loss too. The loss is not as momentous as that many have experienced and I still say that I have been lucky. But it is ok for a moment to grieve a little of what has been lost in the last year.
I am looking forward
What I want to do now is get through this week and then look forward. I have been working out the kinks in a story that has taken my interest and will report more often about how that is going. I have planned some more reviews to share on the blog as these remain my most popular posts. I will probably write a little less about my health journey from this point. But for now I want to acknowledge that this is a moment where I can reset Mum Write Now, a little and look forward to what I expect to be a much better year.
I am looking forward to the Christmas holidays and working out how to see through the fog
I can feel the pressure of making Christmas magic rising as I write. As a parent, I have a strong desire to make the young ones’ Christmas a special, sparkly time but what do you do when your brain is not at it’s shiniest best. Last year we couldn’t even see our families, so now we hopefully can socialise there is an expectation that this will be the best year. But amongst all that pressure I am trying to manage the planning and preparation with brain fog and fatigue. Here is what I have worked out may work for us this year.
Reduce your workload: We have planned to go to my mother-in-law so I do know already that I don’t need to cook, a lot of labour is saved and I think that having the main work on the big day taken from me will be a massive help, as well as being extra delicious that we can actually be together this year. In addition the familiar surroundings help me and my son and for that part of Christmas we will stay at home though go over on several days. This is really helpful to keep parts of the routine which keeps my soon’s energy a bit more regulated which helps us all feel a bit calmer.
Pace yourself: I know now that I need to pace myself, leaving a few days between each social gathering and taking it much more slowly on those days. I am so thankful to be back together with people this year but that doesn’t mean I can throw my pacing plans out of the window. January is depressing enough without having a massive crash. When I do socialise, I know already I might need to leave earlier than I might like to or take a little break part way through so that I can join in. It’s tradition to fall asleep after the turkey anyway, so won’t be too much of a surprise if I insist on a rest this year. I may also have some tougher days afterwards but I know if I do things that lift me, like being around people that I love, this will be worth it for me if I don’t go too far.
Buy online: When it comes to planning presents, I am doing tiny chunks and using a lot of lists on my phone so hopefully I don’t forget things. I have to say that I have seen statistics like 42% of people will buy their presents off Amazon this year and though I don’t like it, that will most likely be me. I know already that going to shops involves so many elements that are tiring, this time I need those items to come on delivery. I have been also trying to support a few friends with their Etsy crafts that I love but when it come to the plastic tat my son demands, it’s back to the five minutes ordering on my phone and along comes my friendly delivery lady the next day (who I am quite chummy with now.) Let’s hope that by next Christmas, I can be well enough to face the shops (and they are still there) but for now I have to be realistic about what I can do for us all.
Photo by Marta Dzedyshko on Pexels.com – probably less baking this year
Ask for help: Learning to ask for help has been a massive learning curve with managing fatigue. I have worked out what is more tiring now by listening to my body carefully and I have tried to ask for help in these areas. A friend came over this week to get the decorations out of our loft for us, she was lovely about it and though it seems a bit silly with my breathing issues and fatigue it is a massive load off me and I will be very slowly starting to decorate. In addition to asking for physical help, I have set my Mum the mission to find the impossible toy that my son has asked for. I was going round in circles online to try and find this “must have” and in the end I realised the brain strain is too much.
Keep it simple: The final thing is to avoid too much online content that drives me to want to make the magic so much. It is possible that I did “do a Pinterest” in previous year and make cards, bake mince pines with my son and make a Nutella Christmas tree for breakfast on Christmas morning. But it might be that this year is not that year. The Christmas tree may end up less trimmed – though it is one of my favourite things so I may choose to spend my energy on it – But really, what my fatigue is telling me right now, is that these things that seem so important are an image we get sold about what a perfect life can look like.
But if a chronic condition can teach us anything, there is no need for perfect, in fact pushing yourself is the worst thing you could do. After the year we have had personally and the pandemic era we have all gone through, I can only say that what is most important is to savour the time to rest and have fun together.
Mum, Write NOW 